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The End

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The Edge of an End

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May 2nd is the sell date on my home. What is, Is. And what will be is rapidly approaching. Though I am and will forever be in exile of my HOME, I am at peace.

I know how men in exile feed on dreams. ~Aeschylus~

Seeking to forget makes exile all the longer; the secret of redemption lies in remembrance. ~Richard von Weizsaecker~

Only the misfortune of exile can provide the in-depth understanding and the overview into the realities of the world. ~Stefan Zweig~

Our lives teach us who we are. ~Salman Rushdie~

Memory has its own special kind. It selects, eliminates, alters, exaggerates, minimizes, glorifies, and vilifies also; but in the end it creates its own reality, its heterogeneous but usually coherent version of events; and no sane human being ever trusts someone else’s version more than his own.” ~Salman Rushdie, Midnight’s Children~

“Exile is a dream of a glorious return. Exile is a vision of revolution: Elba, not St Helena. It is an endless paradox: looking forward by always looking back. The exile is a ball hurled high into the air. ” ~Salman Rushdie, The Satanic Verses~

“Perhaps the story you finish is never the one you begin.” ~Salman Rushdie~

“So Oz finally became home; the imagined world became the actual world, as it does for us all, because the truth is that once we have left our childhood places and started out to make our own lives, armed only with what we have and are, we understand that the real secret of the ruby slippers is not that “there’s no place like home,” but rather that there is no longer such a place as home: except, of course, for the homes we make, or the homes that are made for us, in Oz, which is anywhere and everywhere, except the place from which we began. In the place from which I began, after all, I watched the film from the child’s – Dorothy’s point of view. I experienced, with her, the frustration of being brushed aside by Uncle Henry and Auntie Em, busy with their dull grown-up counting. Like all adults, they couldn’t focus on what was really important to Dorothy: namely, the threat to Toto. I ran away with Dorothy and then ran back. Even the shock of discovering that the Wizard was a humbug was a shock I felt as a child, a shock to the child’s faith in adults. Perhaps, too, I felt something deeper, something I couldn’t articulate; perhaps some half-formed suspicion about grown-ups was being confirmed. Now, as I look at the movie again, I have become the fallible adult. Now I am a member of the tribe of imperfect parents who cannot listen to their children’s voices. I, who no longer have a father, have become a father instead, and now it is my fate to be unable to satisfy the longings of a child. This is the last and most terrible lesson of the film: that there is one final, unexpected rite of passage. In the end, ceasing to be children, we all become magicians without magic, exposed conjurers, with only our simply humanity to get us through. We are the humbugs now.” ― Salman Rushdie, Step Across This Line: Collected Nonfiction 1992-2002

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As always, There’s no place like home, but I’ve come to learn that i’d rather be in a permanent state of exile than a permanent prisoner in my own home.

Roger Waters – The Wall (Live, in its Entirety)

Roger Waters – The Wall (Live, in its Entirety).

On missing, longing for, the little things

After reading the article below, it became shocking clear to me how much I miss and desperately long for the little things that make a marriage/intimate relationship so fullfilling.

In my marriage, my husband was the strong one who carried the weight of the families safety and security (as I perceived it incorrectly during the marriage, in theory more than reality due to the physical and emotional harm he actually had caused) on his shoulders. He was a very loving and nurturing partner and father and always an outstanding provider.

Whenever he would get sick, like a minor cold, or stepped on a rock that bruised his heel, or witnessed someone that was sick and sure he was coming down with something fatal like dengue fever, malaria, or west nile virus, lol, I happily and lovingly tended to my sick and on the verge of death spouse’s every need. And I did so happily and lovingly as it was one of the very few times I could be his source of comfort and his strength and backbone. I loved to care for him when he was struck with a “killer cold”. It gave me the chance to be his everything.

The other situation that I always came through for him was our Snake/Spider agreement. I handled any encounter with snakes for him as he was deathly afraid of them and he in return handled any spider encounters for me due to my insane arachnophobia. Btw, I think I may have saved him from more snake encounters as in our line of work we seemed to come across a lot. It made me feel incredible useful.

Being single now for almost two years has brought to the surface some emotions about the little things that I loved about being married. I miss that kind of closeness and long to feel and be that role for someone once again.

The bottom line is, I miss being in love. I miss have a partner to walk through life with and yes, I miss making soup for my guy who has a cold and kissing his forehead. I miss picking out the very best kleenex for him so his nose doesn’t become as red as rudolphs. I miss being tender and affectionate and have tenderness, affection, and love showed to me.

I miss the little things that create a bond between two people and sharing my life with someone. I miss love.

A Couple’s Worst Nightmare: The Common Cold – DivineCaroline

http://www.divinecaroline.com/22077/124497-couple-s-worst-nightmare-common-cold

Why Lily White

English: Lily in garden

Image via Wikipedia

The term Lily White has a long and ugly past as it applies to American history and its culture.

Specifically, the term Lily-White Movement, as defined by Wikipedia, was an anti-civil-rights movement within the Republican Party in the United States in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. The movement was a response to the political and socioeconomic gains made by African-Americans following the Civil War and the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution, which eliminated slavery.  Black leaders gained increasing influence in the party by organizing blacks as an important voting bloc. Conservative white groups attempted to eliminate this influence and recover white voters who had defected to the Democratic Party.

“The lily white movement is one of the darkest and underexamined eras of US Republicanism.”

This movement is largely credited with driving blacks out of the Republican party during the early 20th century, setting the stage for their eventual support of the Democrats.

In essence, the movements goal was to suppress the votes (or in my opinion, the VOICE and Validity) of Black Americans.

As I began to speak up and speak out about a problem that touches far to many lives I realized pretty quickly that most people didn’t want to hear about the reality of the problem. It almost seemed as though the words I spoke offended a falsely innocent view of american culture and the violence that is going on in american children’s lives at the hands of adults, usually the adults that are closest to them.

A few definitions from around the web:

Defined by Double-Tongued.org

1.) Lilywhite

n. a person without a police record; someone who does not trigger suspicions; a clean-skin.

This particular definition is the one that solidified my decision to use the term as the Pseudonym I would blog under. I started blogging specifically because the subject of Childhood Sexual Abuse, a subject that has recently and violently thrust itself into mine and my family’s life, was one that seemed to offend the public so much so that even as a victim/survivor, speaking about any aspect of the issue is highly frowned upon publicly. As I understood it, if I wanted to speak up, if I wanted to talk about this issue, it would have to be done privately and somewhat UNDER THE RADAR, so to speak.

The bottom line is, MY VOICE WON’T BE SILENCED. I WON’T CONFORM AND SHUT UP. But like many things, sometimes the best approach is one that is the least abrasive, for the moment at least.

I have quoted Dr. King many times before on this blog. Here are some that have resonated with me:

He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

TheFreeDictionary.com

2.) lil·y-white (ll-hwt, -wt)

adj.

1. White as a lily.
2. Beyond reproach; blameless.
3. Informal Excluding or seeking to exclude Black people.
lily-white

adj

1. (Fine Arts & Visual Arts / Colours) of a pure white lily-white skin
2. Informal pure; irreproachable
3. US informal

a.  discriminating against Blacks a lily-white club
b.  racially segregated

Adj. 1. lily-white – restricted to whites only; “under segregation there were even white restrooms and white drinking fountains”; “a lily-white movement which would expel Negroes from the organization”

white

segregated, unintegrated – separated or isolated from others or a main group; “a segregated school system”; “a segregated neighborhood”

2. lily-white – of a pure white color.

achromatic, neutral – having no hue; “neutral colors like black or white

 

Yourdictionary.com

3.) lily-white

adjective

white as a lily

innocent and pure; unsullied: often used sarcastically

practicing discrimination against, or segregation of, nonwhites, esp. blacks

 

White Washing or White Washed has a specific meaning as well and I found would be appropriate to be included into the Pseudonym.

To white wash something would be To conceal or gloss over (wrongdoing, for example).

The biggest problem with CSA is the refusal of adults to acknowledge that there is a problem at all.

This post is a work in progress and may be revised…

 

Child Abuse in a Single Year Will Cost US $124 Billion | Child Maltreatment | Health Care Cost | LiveScience

http://www.livescience.com/18250-child-abuse-single-year-cost-124-billion.html

Watch “Billy Joel- She’s got a way” on YouTube

Bullhead City Couple Arrested After Their Newborn Baby Dies From “Brutal” Sexual Attack

http://blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com/valleyfever/2010/06/bullhead_city_couple_arrested.php

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Bullhead City Couple Arrested After Their Newborn Baby Dies From “Brutal” Sexual Attack

Bullhead City Police Department Police believe Staci Lynn Barbosa and Jonathan Edward Vandergriff brutally raped their one-month-old son.

A Bullhead City couple was arrested yesterday after their 1-month-old baby died as a result of what police are calling a “brutal sexual assault.”

Bullhead City police spokeswoman Emily Montague tells New Times police believe the baby was “raped” by his parents, 19-year-old Staci Lynn Barbosa and 23-year-old Jonathan Edward Vandergriff.

Montague — for good reason — wouldn’t go into detail about the sexual attack but says authorities believe both Barbosa and Vandergriff were involved in raping their one-month-old son.

According to police, at 11:20 a.m. yesterday, police were called to Western Arizona Regional Medical Center’s Emergency Room where a baby was “fighting for his life.”

Police say they saw bruises and sores all over the baby’s body and his eyes were red and swollen shut.

Doctors then told police the baby had several broken ribs, a broken femur, was malnourished, dehydrated, and showed signs of sexual abuse and shaken baby syndrome.

The baby was airlifted to Sunrise Hospital in Las Vegas — the closest hospital with a trauma center, according to Montague — and Barbosa, who brought the one-month-old to the hospital, was immediately taken into custody.

Doctors were not able to save the baby and he died early this morning.

Vandergriff turned himself into authorities yesterday and police served a search warrant at the house where the couple had been living, which turned up marijuana and other items of “evidentiary value.”

Vandergriff and Barbosa were arrested for molestation of a child, child abuse, aggravated assault, and sexual conduct with a minor.

Police say more charges are on the horizon for the two, including murder. Both parents were booked into the Mohave County Jail in Kingman where Vandergriff is being held on a $500,000 bond and Barbosa’s bail was set at $250,000.

Kate1975 has posted a link to her page that contains many links for resources for helping your survivor and for survivors themself. Please take some time to visit her page as I’m sure there’s something there that can benefit all, survivor as well as secondary survivors, aka the survivors loved ones and emotional support group.

Mothers of childhood sexual abuse victims

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Its seems shocking and a bit odd that I haven’t found any wordpress blogs written by or supporting the Mothers of childhood sexual abuse victims. Their are countless blogs on wordpress written by the victims themselves. Often written by a adult survivor of such abuse. Obviously the ability to blog about such a life altering experience offers a much needed outlet as well as some amount of emotional support and hopefully healing from such a large community. I, as the mother of a child who suffered sexual abuse, long to speak with, connect with and get feedback from woman (and men) who are living through the same hell I am.
If their is anyone out there who is the mother/father/caregiver who is suffering along side their child while fighting to protect them please leave me a comment.
I feel like there is a lack of moral and emotional support for the parent/s of such victims on wordpress.
Or if anyone knows of any wordpress blogs specifically devoted to parental support of victims of childhood sexual abuse please let me know.
I just wanna find others like me who can relate to this kind of trauma.

Sleep Paralysis and Ghost Visions

Sleep Paralysis and Ghost Visions.

Omg, weird and completely freakin cool. My 8 year old just came from outside playing with her friends to check in. I asked what they were playing and she said Lava. So I asked what that was and she said they pretend the ground is covered in lava and the have to do like an obsticle course without touching the ground or they will get burned up by the lava. So they traverse our communities playground equipment without touching the ground.
It reminded me of a very similar to a game I used to play as a child in my livingroom at home. I would throw all of the couch cushions and pillows on the floor and jump from pillow to pillow to cushion to couch and back and forth around and around. I would pretend that they where little islands and the floor was shark infested water. If my feet touched the floor than I would be the instant victim of JAWS. Lol, awesome memory.
The crazy part is, as soon as she explained her game then set off back to play outside with her friends I went back to reading and skimming articles of the blogs I follow. The first one I seen was this one from 1000 awesome things. OMG, wild! I love when this kinda odd coincidence happens. What a cool feeling. Anywho, I figured I would reblog their post. Enjoy

1000 Awesome Things

Let’s turn off the TV, put away the board games, and toss the deck of cards in the trash.

Yes, it’s time to play all the made up games you played as a kid. Let’s chat about some of the greatest:

• Erupting volcano (also known as Snake Pit or Shark Tank). Here’s where you pretend the floor is covered in molten lava and you have to jump across the furniture without falling in. Sweatsocks on slippery coffee tables, ottomans with wheels, and top-heavy bookcases can be dangerous. House rules dictate whether riding the Golden Retriever across the room is allowed. Either way, I’m pretty sure you can use a blanket as a life raft to get to dinner.

Kitchen Rock Band. Grab all the pots and pans you can find, steal a handful of wooden spoons, and set up your kit on the cold linoleum floor…

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struggle baby

I had a conversation yesterday that reminded me of how little seems to be known about domestic abuse in relationships.  If you’re in a physically abusive relationship, you know it.  But if you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, you might not even realize it.  For example, you might just think that what you’re doing is “compromising” to make a relationship work, and that such compromises are necessary in any relationship.  I’m not an expert in this field, but I want to highlight the danger.

Abuse can take many forms.  I’m going to talk about only a few examples that I think are most dangerous because they’re most subtle.  At the end of this post are some more broad-spectrum resources.

POWER AND CONTROL

Power and control are really at the heart of all types of abuse in a relationship, from mind games to isolation to physical violence.

1-Sided Power

The only…

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Insightful. 🙂

UnTangled

Before I begin, a word of thanks.

You see, as a therapist, everything you do is hidden. You go to work every day, and you are bound by a code of silence. The sun can come up, and the sun can go down, and it is essential that no one know the people with whom you shared a singular bond while the Earth spun around. You must not tell anyone what transpired. The therapeutic space must be protected, and so everything you do, think, and feel must also remain tucked away.

And then one day you start a blog.

Your ideas begin to wind their way out of the lonely and safe space between your ears, through your fingertips, and they end up on the glowing screens of people you know, and of people you don’t know. I’ll be honest: that makes me nervous. Suddenly, those concerns about performance and…

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The Top Ten Words of 2011

While stumbling around the interwebs I came across a pretty interesting website

http://www.lifeslittlemysteries.com/2016-top-words-2011.html

And I thought this lil article was kinda interesting being a word lover and all. I figured I’d share the website with you as well as the list the site deemed as the top words of 2011. Fyi, the article has inspired me to create my own list of my personal top ten words of 2011, and maybe even share my personal definitions and/or my immediate immpression of the words meaning before reading the given definition. Note: some of my definitions may not be socially acceptable and could even be viewed as insensitive. So I say, what the FRACK, I’m going for it anyway.

1. Occupy —The preferred verb of protesters occupies the top spot this year. Not only has “occupy” risen to fame because of the Occupy Movement (Occupy Wall Street, Occupy Oakland, etc.), it is also used in the context of the occupation of Iraq and the so-called “Occupied Territories.”

{OCCUPY- aka PIE-EYED. This would be the cartooned pics of a cartoon character who sees the warm fresh baked pie sitting in a window to cool and they suddenly have pie slices drawn in their eyes which divulge their intentions. This can, and does happen to us humans, minus the sketched in pie slice, but don’t doubt that the brain of said victims has shifted into ME WANT PIE mode.The hyper-focused individual is now considered to be OCCUPIED.}

2. Deficit —Fiscal deficits are a growing and possibly intractable problem for many economies in the developed world, and have become a frequent topic of discussion.

3. Fracking —Hydraulic fracturing, a controversial method of extracting fossil fuels from otherwise unreachable places , has turned into a hot-button issue dividing ultra-capitalists and environmentalists.

{My personal definition of the word Fracking is definitely used as a softened form of a pretty common cuss word.}

4. Drone —An ever-increasing number of remotely piloted aircraft are being used for reconnaissance and attack purposes, especially to target wanted terrorists .

{A DRONE is similar to a zombie. DRONE would be a description of the way a drugged out person acts, looks, behaves. Its the stereotypical look of one who’s high and completely zoned the FRACK out. Combining the words Drug-Prone and or Drugged-Out-Zone… zone being the individuals state of mind, not the location of which said DRONE gets the drugs or even does the drugs. However, after second thought I suppose the term works for those descriptions just as well.}

5. Non-veg —A meal served with meat. The term originated in India (where “veg” is the norm), and is now catching on worldwide.

{NON-VEG’ers are the baby Boomer generation. They are, in my opinion, the last generation of people to be typically hard working honest citizens. Every generation after that are suffering the devastating consequences of their hard work. Face it, a neverending supply of Doritos, video games, more free time to focus on cartoons and less on unpleasant chores and such has caused a multitude of epidemics with today’s youth. Baby boomers, your unconditional love and affection is gonna be the downfall of society, haha, of course I’m just kidding on this one.}

6. Kummerspeck —This German word, which literally translates as “grief bacon,” refers to excess weight gained from emotional overeating. This year, it worked its way into the English-speaking world.

{Ok, embarrassingly I can’t detail this one but I will tell you it has something to do with watching to many crime dramas like CSI. Blacklight toting forensic personnel would use the term to identify the suspects body fluid evidence they’ve found which would lead to them Attaching a lovely name to the perp based on the trace evidence left behind. Kinda like “suspect or even pet name+speck = petname+body fluid}

7. Haboob —A name imported from Arabic that has been used to describe the massive sandstorms in the American Southwest this year.

{A HABOOB is a person of Indian descent who owns the gas station at the end of my mothers street, who will not take manufacturer coupons for a product I regularly purchase from their store. Dammit man, cigarettes are expensive, cut a girl a break, lol}

8. 3Q —This texting shorthand for “thank you” may have arisen as a combination of the Mandarin and Japanese word for the number three, which is “san,” and Q; put together, they sound like “thank you.” The slang has been banned from official Chinese dictionaries, but is commonly found elsewhere.

9. Trustafarians —These are well-to-do youths (also sometimes called “trust-funders” or “trust fund babies”) who adopt faux-Bohemian lifestyles. A play on Rastafarians, the term first became popular as a reference to wealthy kids who took part in the London Riots .

10. (The Other) 99 —A reference to the majority of those living in Western democracies who have been left out of the dramatic rise in earnings associated with “the top 1 percent” —itself, another frequently uttered phrase. [5 Facts about the Wealthiest 1 Percent ]

***If anyone can come up with alternative definitions for any of the words I couldn’t, as well as the ones i could, than please feel free to share. I would love to read others combinaword definitions.

FYI: I’ve always called this combinawording…come to find out it actually has a real name, PORTMANTEAU.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Portmanteau

Picture courtesy of this website
http://myliteraryquest.wordpress.com/2011/03/18/fun-friday-the-portmanteau/

http://grammar.about.com/od/pq/g/portmanterm.htm

And of course Urban Dictionarys word for it…. TWORD. Lol, awesome.

http://m.urbandictionary.com/#define?term=tword