Coming to terms… #1

Coming to terms will take time, as will my ability to document it.

Writing about difficult, even traumatic, experiences appear to be good for health on several levels raising immunity and other health measures and improving life functioning.

So, here I go…

In the very early morning hours of April 2, 2010 my family suffered a mass slaughtering of all its members. It was and is the most traumatic experience that any of us have ever endured. In the blink of an eye my whole family and all that I loved, wiped out just as if a bomb went off in the center of my living room.

My husband of 8 years and the love of my life was brutally murdered in front of my daughter, my mother and myself. I watched in fear and disbelief as the man I loved and the father of my children took what seemed his last breath of air that sustained life as he/we knew it.

Oddly, as he inhaled and exhaled what was to be the lasts of his final few shallow breaths of air, I found myself uncontrollably hyperventilating. Something that would go of for days initially and recede slowly into the shadows only emerging to mark moments I carelessly allowed my heart and mind to venture dangerously close to the razor lined edges of pain. Pain that I worked so hard to tip toe around so to not arouse this cruel and brutal beast that stalks my heart and suffocates my soul. His breathing was not visible to me. It only became evident in retrospect as I reflected back on those last moments we spent together and in stark contrast between my gasping to choke down enough air and the total lack of his breathing at all. Its symbolic of the death that occurred, and of the life that left this man long before that night.  The biggest challenge in avoiding such pain lies in the fact that I didn’t hide it. I just left it open like a wound for all to gasp at. It seems as though I’m stuck playing and endless game of hide and go seek with an invisible nightmare of emotions. It also seems that this beast has one goal, to stand directly, if not arrogantly, in my path and wait for an unavoidable collision. It’s a game that I can’t win… It’s a game that I never wanted to play.

The Images I’ve added were taken in the last months, weeks and days of our time spent together.

Rainbow minus the rain.

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