The End

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The Edge of an End

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May 2nd is the sell date on my home. What is, Is. And what will be is rapidly approaching. Though I am and will forever be in exile of my HOME, I am at peace.

I know how men in exile feed on dreams. ~Aeschylus~

Seeking to forget makes exile all the longer; the secret of redemption lies in remembrance. ~Richard von Weizsaecker~

Only the misfortune of exile can provide the in-depth understanding and the overview into the realities of the world. ~Stefan Zweig~

Our lives teach us who we are. ~Salman Rushdie~

Memory has its own special kind. It selects, eliminates, alters, exaggerates, minimizes, glorifies, and vilifies also; but in the end it creates its own reality, its heterogeneous but usually coherent version of events; and no sane human being ever trusts someone else’s version more than his own.” ~Salman Rushdie, Midnight’s Children~

“Exile is a dream of a glorious return. Exile is a vision of revolution: Elba, not St Helena. It is an endless paradox: looking forward by always looking back. The exile is a ball hurled high into the air. ” ~Salman Rushdie, The Satanic Verses~

“Perhaps the story you finish is never the one you begin.” ~Salman Rushdie~

“So Oz finally became home; the imagined world became the actual world, as it does for us all, because the truth is that once we have left our childhood places and started out to make our own lives, armed only with what we have and are, we understand that the real secret of the ruby slippers is not that “there’s no place like home,” but rather that there is no longer such a place as home: except, of course, for the homes we make, or the homes that are made for us, in Oz, which is anywhere and everywhere, except the place from which we began. In the place from which I began, after all, I watched the film from the child’s – Dorothy’s point of view. I experienced, with her, the frustration of being brushed aside by Uncle Henry and Auntie Em, busy with their dull grown-up counting. Like all adults, they couldn’t focus on what was really important to Dorothy: namely, the threat to Toto. I ran away with Dorothy and then ran back. Even the shock of discovering that the Wizard was a humbug was a shock I felt as a child, a shock to the child’s faith in adults. Perhaps, too, I felt something deeper, something I couldn’t articulate; perhaps some half-formed suspicion about grown-ups was being confirmed. Now, as I look at the movie again, I have become the fallible adult. Now I am a member of the tribe of imperfect parents who cannot listen to their children’s voices. I, who no longer have a father, have become a father instead, and now it is my fate to be unable to satisfy the longings of a child. This is the last and most terrible lesson of the film: that there is one final, unexpected rite of passage. In the end, ceasing to be children, we all become magicians without magic, exposed conjurers, with only our simply humanity to get us through. We are the humbugs now.” ― Salman Rushdie, Step Across This Line: Collected Nonfiction 1992-2002

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As always, There’s no place like home, but I’ve come to learn that i’d rather be in a permanent state of exile than a permanent prisoner in my own home.

Gun Safety and Self Defense Training was Absolutely Awesome

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Hows my form...maybe something I could work on ;-)

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My grip looks good though

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I got a great score

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Because I had a great instructor...whos a bit of a hottie! ;-)

Roger Waters – The Wall (Live, in its Entirety)

Roger Waters – The Wall (Live, in its Entirety).

On missing, longing for, the little things

After reading the article below, it became shocking clear to me how much I miss and desperately long for the little things that make a marriage/intimate relationship so fullfilling.

In my marriage, my husband was the strong one who carried the weight of the families safety and security (as I perceived it incorrectly during the marriage, in theory more than reality due to the physical and emotional harm he actually had caused) on his shoulders. He was a very loving and nurturing partner and father and always an outstanding provider.

Whenever he would get sick, like a minor cold, or stepped on a rock that bruised his heel, or witnessed someone that was sick and sure he was coming down with something fatal like dengue fever, malaria, or west nile virus, lol, I happily and lovingly tended to my sick and on the verge of death spouse’s every need. And I did so happily and lovingly as it was one of the very few times I could be his source of comfort and his strength and backbone. I loved to care for him when he was struck with a “killer cold”. It gave me the chance to be his everything.

The other situation that I always came through for him was our Snake/Spider agreement. I handled any encounter with snakes for him as he was deathly afraid of them and he in return handled any spider encounters for me due to my insane arachnophobia. Btw, I think I may have saved him from more snake encounters as in our line of work we seemed to come across a lot. It made me feel incredible useful.

Being single now for almost two years has brought to the surface some emotions about the little things that I loved about being married. I miss that kind of closeness and long to feel and be that role for someone once again.

The bottom line is, I miss being in love. I miss have a partner to walk through life with and yes, I miss making soup for my guy who has a cold and kissing his forehead. I miss picking out the very best kleenex for him so his nose doesn’t become as red as rudolphs. I miss being tender and affectionate and have tenderness, affection, and love showed to me.

I miss the little things that create a bond between two people and sharing my life with someone. I miss love.

A Couple’s Worst Nightmare: The Common Cold – DivineCaroline

http://www.divinecaroline.com/22077/124497-couple-s-worst-nightmare-common-cold

Why Lily White

English: Lily in garden

Image via Wikipedia

The term Lily White has a long and ugly past as it applies to American history and its culture.

Specifically, the term Lily-White Movement, as defined by Wikipedia, was an anti-civil-rights movement within the Republican Party in the United States in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. The movement was a response to the political and socioeconomic gains made by African-Americans following the Civil War and the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution, which eliminated slavery.  Black leaders gained increasing influence in the party by organizing blacks as an important voting bloc. Conservative white groups attempted to eliminate this influence and recover white voters who had defected to the Democratic Party.

“The lily white movement is one of the darkest and underexamined eras of US Republicanism.”

This movement is largely credited with driving blacks out of the Republican party during the early 20th century, setting the stage for their eventual support of the Democrats.

In essence, the movements goal was to suppress the votes (or in my opinion, the VOICE and Validity) of Black Americans.

As I began to speak up and speak out about a problem that touches far to many lives I realized pretty quickly that most people didn’t want to hear about the reality of the problem. It almost seemed as though the words I spoke offended a falsely innocent view of american culture and the violence that is going on in american children’s lives at the hands of adults, usually the adults that are closest to them.

A few definitions from around the web:

Defined by Double-Tongued.org

1.) Lilywhite

n. a person without a police record; someone who does not trigger suspicions; a clean-skin.

This particular definition is the one that solidified my decision to use the term as the Pseudonym I would blog under. I started blogging specifically because the subject of Childhood Sexual Abuse, a subject that has recently and violently thrust itself into mine and my family’s life, was one that seemed to offend the public so much so that even as a victim/survivor, speaking about any aspect of the issue is highly frowned upon publicly. As I understood it, if I wanted to speak up, if I wanted to talk about this issue, it would have to be done privately and somewhat UNDER THE RADAR, so to speak.

The bottom line is, MY VOICE WON’T BE SILENCED. I WON’T CONFORM AND SHUT UP. But like many things, sometimes the best approach is one that is the least abrasive, for the moment at least.

I have quoted Dr. King many times before on this blog. Here are some that have resonated with me:

He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

TheFreeDictionary.com

2.) lil·y-white (ll-hwt, -wt)

adj.

1. White as a lily.
2. Beyond reproach; blameless.
3. Informal Excluding or seeking to exclude Black people.
lily-white

adj

1. (Fine Arts & Visual Arts / Colours) of a pure white lily-white skin
2. Informal pure; irreproachable
3. US informal

a.  discriminating against Blacks a lily-white club
b.  racially segregated

Adj. 1. lily-white – restricted to whites only; “under segregation there were even white restrooms and white drinking fountains”; “a lily-white movement which would expel Negroes from the organization”

white

segregated, unintegrated – separated or isolated from others or a main group; “a segregated school system”; “a segregated neighborhood”

2. lily-white – of a pure white color.

achromatic, neutral – having no hue; “neutral colors like black or white

 

Yourdictionary.com

3.) lily-white

adjective

white as a lily

innocent and pure; unsullied: often used sarcastically

practicing discrimination against, or segregation of, nonwhites, esp. blacks

 

White Washing or White Washed has a specific meaning as well and I found would be appropriate to be included into the Pseudonym.

To white wash something would be To conceal or gloss over (wrongdoing, for example).

The biggest problem with CSA is the refusal of adults to acknowledge that there is a problem at all.

This post is a work in progress and may be revised…

 

Child Abuse in a Single Year Will Cost US $124 Billion | Child Maltreatment | Health Care Cost | LiveScience

http://www.livescience.com/18250-child-abuse-single-year-cost-124-billion.html

Watch “Billy Joel- She’s got a way” on YouTube

Bullhead City Couple Arrested After Their Newborn Baby Dies From “Brutal” Sexual Attack

http://blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com/valleyfever/2010/06/bullhead_city_couple_arrested.php

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Bullhead City Couple Arrested After Their Newborn Baby Dies From “Brutal” Sexual Attack

Bullhead City Police Department Police believe Staci Lynn Barbosa and Jonathan Edward Vandergriff brutally raped their one-month-old son.

A Bullhead City couple was arrested yesterday after their 1-month-old baby died as a result of what police are calling a “brutal sexual assault.”

Bullhead City police spokeswoman Emily Montague tells New Times police believe the baby was “raped” by his parents, 19-year-old Staci Lynn Barbosa and 23-year-old Jonathan Edward Vandergriff.

Montague — for good reason — wouldn’t go into detail about the sexual attack but says authorities believe both Barbosa and Vandergriff were involved in raping their one-month-old son.

According to police, at 11:20 a.m. yesterday, police were called to Western Arizona Regional Medical Center’s Emergency Room where a baby was “fighting for his life.”

Police say they saw bruises and sores all over the baby’s body and his eyes were red and swollen shut.

Doctors then told police the baby had several broken ribs, a broken femur, was malnourished, dehydrated, and showed signs of sexual abuse and shaken baby syndrome.

The baby was airlifted to Sunrise Hospital in Las Vegas — the closest hospital with a trauma center, according to Montague — and Barbosa, who brought the one-month-old to the hospital, was immediately taken into custody.

Doctors were not able to save the baby and he died early this morning.

Vandergriff turned himself into authorities yesterday and police served a search warrant at the house where the couple had been living, which turned up marijuana and other items of “evidentiary value.”

Vandergriff and Barbosa were arrested for molestation of a child, child abuse, aggravated assault, and sexual conduct with a minor.

Police say more charges are on the horizon for the two, including murder. Both parents were booked into the Mohave County Jail in Kingman where Vandergriff is being held on a $500,000 bond and Barbosa’s bail was set at $250,000.

lilywhitewash:

Kate1975 has posted a link to her page that contains many links for resources for helping your survivor and for survivors themself. Please take some time to visit her page as I’m sure there’s something there that can benefit all, survivor as well as secondary survivors, aka the survivors loved ones and emotional support group.

Originally posted on Kate Is Rising:

In October of last year I posted a new resource page. It is for partners and supporters of survivors. I was very excited to start assembling this resource page, because there is not a lot of resources out there and some of it gives what I consider the wrong advice.

Recently I’ve come across a couple of other organizations focusing on Dissociative Identity Disorder, with articles for partners and supporters and added them. The issue of lack of appropriate advice and information for multiples, their partners, friends, family, other survivors, and other supporters has always been acute. I’m so happy that I was able to add to the resource page and hopefully it will help some of us feel more understood, acknowledged, accepted, and supported.  

Here is the link to my page:

For Partners and Supporters of Survivors

And here is my resource page:

Survivor Resource Pages (Forty pages of resources, non-profit organizations, articles, and…

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Secondary Survivors Support Group

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I’ve found out that there is a Secondary Survivors Support Group in my area. There are support groups for the Primary survivors as well but it seems like its for adult survivors. I’m gonna go to this meeting and hopefully they will know if or where I can find a group for teen survivors for my daughter to attend.
She participated in group therapy with about four girls her age at the end of her year long one on one councelling. She really loved the group therapy because she met and bonded with a few girls who knew exactly what it feels like to be a CSA survivor. Truth is, its great to have support of any kind but its different when you have the benefit of support from people who’ve suffered the same trauma as you. They have experienced the same roller coaster of complex emotions and have thought the same thoughts that are unique to your shared traumatic experiences.
This is what I’ve been searching for. Others out there like me who have lived through the same unfortunate kind of trauma that I can connect with and maybe even start to find some healing.
Hopefully the group that meets weekly in my area is the first step in the right direction towards finding some peace, the light at the end of the tunnel that I’ve been searching for so long for.

Mothers of childhood sexual abuse victims

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Its seems shocking and a bit odd that I haven’t found any wordpress blogs written by or supporting the Mothers of childhood sexual abuse victims. Their are countless blogs on wordpress written by the victims themselves. Often written by a adult survivor of such abuse. Obviously the ability to blog about such a life altering experience offers a much needed outlet as well as some amount of emotional support and hopefully healing from such a large community. I, as the mother of a child who suffered sexual abuse, long to speak with, connect with and get feedback from woman (and men) who are living through the same hell I am.
If their is anyone out there who is the mother/father/caregiver who is suffering along side their child while fighting to protect them please leave me a comment.
I feel like there is a lack of moral and emotional support for the parent/s of such victims on wordpress.
Or if anyone knows of any wordpress blogs specifically devoted to parental support of victims of childhood sexual abuse please let me know.
I just wanna find others like me who can relate to this kind of trauma.

Perceived Privacy

Perceived Privacy

Over the past year I’ve followed a blog called Raptitude. David, the author of the blog, publishes a new article on the average of about 1 every week or so. Almost as soon as he posts a new article I’ve found myself eagerly waiting with anticipation for his next bit of genius to post to my Pulse reader. I have a few favorites that really resonated with me. Some have even changed the way I tend to view and even interact with the world. I will add links to my favorite Raptitude articles at the end of this post for anyone interested.

Today I was pleased to find my Pulse reader had a new Raptitude article, of which I quickly devoured every word. It is again an article that delivers insight and perspective on the day to day happenings of a large part of the human race that is an interesting perspective to say the least. I hope you read it as well as take some time to dig around the Raptitude website, as there is sure to be something that everyone can relate to and enjoy reading.

 

You are a public figure

New Year’s Eve, for the first time, I had an alarming moment when I realized spaceships really were watching me through the ceiling. They knew where I was in the house. I was troubled by it and said so to my friend, but by midnight I forgot, and felt much better.

Rewind a week or two. I was taking adorable pictures of my toddler nephew typing on his grandmother’s iPad, when I had one of those bewildering, revelatory moments.

I realized I was photographing a member of the first generation that will be able to revisit its entire life in sparkling, high resolution. Between me, his parents and his grandmother, there are easily more photos of him than there have been days in his life.

His brother is six months now. In 2081, when they’re both old men, they’ll be able to access their childhood in extraordinary detail. They’ll see their first Christmases, their first bike rides, their graduations and wedding days all in high resolution images and HD video, and it might seem strange to them that previous generations did not have much access at all to their pasts, aside from memories and a few grainy photographs.

Contrast that with my father, (1947-2008) of whom I’ve only seen one or two pictures of as a child. In those pictures he’s someone I don’t know. He has a smooth sepia face that could belong to just about anyone except my dad. He wore a moustache from the day I was born to the day he died and I couldn’t recognize my father in any other face.

The kids born after about 2007 constitute the first generation that’s younger than Facebook. Today, it’s fairly normal for human beings make their first appearance on the internet when they are less than a week old. Think of how many newborn photos you’ve seen posted by your Facebook friends this last year.

(Read More…)

 

David also sites this article  which was written by a fellow wordpresser about 4 years ago. What then seemed kinda Jetsons-esque then, now is very close to reality. Interesting.

Here are some of my favorite Raptitude articles:

What we refer to as happiness is really just what the absence of suffering feels like.

 

Defeated, I stood on the mat and let the cold air flood over me. I watched the ice fog pour over the sill like freezing smoke. I just let it have its way with me. I didn’t get mad at it, I didn’t shiver or scramble to dry off. I just let it feel like whatever it was going to feel like, and noticed something peculiar.

It didn’t hurt me.

Life is uncertain by its very nature.  Except for this:No matter what is happening right now,
It will never happen again.

Why should *I* be forced to help someone else?

Here’s why:

Because you’re better off if other people aren’t suffering so much.

life is the present only. The past is thoughts in the present. The future is thoughts in the present. You can argue all you want that the past “existed”, but the notion of something having existed is also just a thought in the present.

 

 

Sleep Paralysis and Ghost Visions

Sleep Paralysis and Ghost Visions.

lilywhitewash:

Omg, weird and completely freakin cool. My 8 year old just came from outside playing with her friends to check in. I asked what they were playing and she said Lava. So I asked what that was and she said they pretend the ground is covered in lava and the have to do like an obsticle course without touching the ground or they will get burned up by the lava. So they traverse our communities playground equipment without touching the ground.
It reminded me of a very similar to a game I used to play as a child in my livingroom at home. I would throw all of the couch cushions and pillows on the floor and jump from pillow to pillow to cushion to couch and back and forth around and around. I would pretend that they where little islands and the floor was shark infested water. If my feet touched the floor than I would be the instant victim of JAWS. Lol, awesome memory.
The crazy part is, as soon as she explained her game then set off back to play outside with her friends I went back to reading and skimming articles of the blogs I follow. The first one I seen was this one from 1000 awesome things. OMG, wild! I love when this kinda odd coincidence happens. What a cool feeling. Anywho, I figured I would reblog their post. Enjoy

Originally posted on 1000 Awesome Things:

Let’s turn off the TV, put away the board games, and toss the deck of cards in the trash.

Yes, it’s time to play all the made up games you played as a kid. Let’s chat about some of the greatest:

• Erupting volcano (also known as Snake Pit or Shark Tank). Here’s where you pretend the floor is covered in molten lava and you have to jump across the furniture without falling in. Sweatsocks on slippery coffee tables, ottomans with wheels, and top-heavy bookcases can be dangerous. House rules dictate whether riding the Golden Retriever across the room is allowed. Either way, I’m pretty sure you can use a blanket as a life raft to get to dinner.

Kitchen Rock Band. Grab all the pots and pans you can find, steal a handful of wooden spoons, and set up your kit on the cold linoleum floor…

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